


And then there were three

by rottenz



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Nonbinary Character, POV First Person, Trans Goshiki Tsutomu, Trans Male Character, Trans Semi Eita, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29976531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rottenz/pseuds/rottenz
Summary: Goshiki Tsutomu is Shiratorizawa volleyball team’s third trans playerA fic when I heavily project my trans experiences onto Goshiki, semi, and taichiSome is based in reality and some is what I wish happened
Relationships: Goshiki Tsutomu/Koganegawa Kanji
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	And then there were three

**Author's Note:**

> It’s not a super consistent story but the story is kinda there
> 
> Written by 🧊 edited by 🐛
> 
> To lazy to fix the bold stuff rn  
> Hi if you’re here from me tiktok 😟😟  
> Also apologies if I use taichis name wrong I literalky do not know what’s his first and what’s his last name I’m so sorry

**Eita Semi**  
**(Semi’s POV)**  
I’m a first year at Shiratorizawa Academy.  
Volleyball tryouts are today, and I already feel out of place.  
In a place full of boys when I simply am not.  
Biologically, yes. I have a dick and I’ve already encountered my fair share of transphobia. I’m just hoping that when I do inevitably come out to my new teammates, I’m not treated like that.  
At least Reon is here with me so I’m not completely alone.  
We’ve been friends our whole lives. He’s my ride or die, and he’s fully accepting of my identity.

After tryouts end, I walk to my dorm.  
Boys dorm… where I room with the boys…  
I grimace at the thought.  
I obviously understand it’s separated by sex, and I obviously understand why.  
Though, I wish I got my own room like others did.  
“Reon?” I look up from the ground.  
“Oh, hey! Are we sharing a dorm?”  
“Room 72?”  
“Room 72.” Reon smiled.  
“Oh, thank god.” I slouch and breathe a sigh of relief.  
“I’m glad I’m with you. I didn’t want to be paired with someone random either.”  
“Tell me about it-” I paused, jolting a bit to twist around when I heard a door opening.  
“Hey!” An energetic, loud voice called. “Weren’t you two from tryouts today??? Uhh... lemme think…. Semi... and Ohira??”  
We nod.  
“I’m Satori Tendou.” His lips turn up into a grin.  
The guy looks cracked as fuck, but I wanna be nice.  
“We’re dorm neighbors.” I comment.  
“Mhm! How do you guys think you did during tryouts????”  
“I’m confident I did good.” Reon says after a moment, seeming to share my thoughts on the redhead.  
“Me too, I’m sure that Ushijima guy who was there definitely got in. Especially since he went to Shiratorizawa’s middle school.”  
“Ushijima! Me and him are besties, y’know. We’ve been friends since elementary!! We just had to go to different middle schools, it was a whole thing.” Tendou’s words were animated by his hands, swishing and jumping to emphasize the things he said.  
“Oh! That’s cool!” Reon smiled politely.  
“What’s he like?” I ask.  
“He’s a big dummy, I know he looks scary, but he’s just a giant teddy bear, y’know?” Tendou squished his hands to his chest, face tinging a bit red.  
“Really?”  
Tendou nodded.  
Weird- those two are… weird.  
Not in a bad way- I don’t think.  
Despite that, I do wanna get to know the two more, and if we all get on the team, like it or not, we’re all gonna become pretty close.

——

-And all of us did get on the team.  
Tendou suggested all of us first years went out to celebrate.  
I haven’t talked to him much yet, but Yamagata, another first year, new libero, was gonna be a new addition to our friend group.  
We picked a random restaurant, and talked and ate ‘till way later then we should’ve been out.  
It was so fun though, getting to know everyone more. I felt spark-y excitement kindle in my chest, this wouldn’t be too bad after all.  
***  
It’d been at least 3 months since all the first years became friends and hung out together.  
Semi decided he was comfortable enough to come out to everyone.

“I’m, uh, non-binary.” Eita was nervous, since Tendou would be the first person on the team he came out too.  
“Cool!” Satori smiled easily, throwing me a thumbs-up that unwound the anxiety gathering in my chest. “I’m bi!”  
“Me too!”  
“Really??”

——

“I’m non-binary.” Semi’s voice was much more confident this time.  
If Tendou and Ushijima were friends, then Ushijima had to be accepting.  
Ushijima was quiet for a moment before responding, just long enough for Semi to start backtracking, before the stoic player’s expression softened.  
“Thank you for letting me know. How should I refer to you?” Ushijima asked.  
“Uh, they/them is fine!”  
“Alright, I apologize if I mess up.”  
“It’s- it’s cool, don’t worry about it too much!”

——

“I’m non-binary.”  
At this point, it wasn’t something to be scared of telling people. It felt like telling someone your favorite color.  
“Oh yeah for sure, dude.” Yamagata smiled, then faltered slightly. “Or-“  
“It’s all good.” Semi laughed.

Last person Eita needed to tell was Coach Washijo.  
The guy was old, damn near dust, but he was teaching a bunch of high-schoolers volleyball.  
He had to be open minded, right?

 **(Semi’s POV)**  
I knock on coach’s office door.  
“...Come in.” His gruff voice calls.  
“‘Morning, sir. Can we talk?”  
“About?” He looks up at me from his office chair. I’m towering over him, it feels weird.  
“Uh-” My hand runs through my hair.  
“I don’t have all day.” He frowns.  
“I’m sorry… but, uh, I’m non-binary, and- it would make me a lot of more comfortable if you used they/them pronouns, instead of he/him.”  
He looked at me, his wrinkled face contorted in disgust. “You weird kids are always making shit up. I’m not doing that. You’re one person. You can’t be a ‘they’, that’s for multiple people, plus, you’re a boy. None of this non-binary bullshit you’re talking about. Now get out of here.”  
“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.” My voice was shaky as I spoke. and I accidentally slammed the door behind me. Probably accidental, anyways.  
I might just start crying.  
Those left in the gym were staring.  
I wanna go home.  
Tendou and Reon immediately notice I’m upset.  
“It didn’t go well, did it?” Tendou asked gently, hands tensed up at his chest as if he wanted to offer comforting touch, though he didn’t move to do so.  
I shook my head and covered my eyes with my arm.  
Reon didn’t hesitate, and hugged me, tight.  
I hugged him back and immediately started crying, my face shoved up in his t-shirt.  
I could feel everyone’s eyes on us.  
I didn’t want the attention, it’s too much. I push Reon away and wiped my face with the rough material of my shirt as fast as I could.  
“Let’s just- go to the dorms.” I furrowed my brows, tears forgotten for the snap I felt in my chest. I was already walking toward the exit.  
My sadness was quickly morphing into anger, I just wanted to be alone.  
“Mind if Ushi and I tag along? Or do you need to be alone?” Tendou questioned.  
“I don’t care.”  
But I did. I want to be alone. Leave me alone.  
No one else- just me... and I guess Ohira, but as long as he’s quiet.  
Tendou didn’t follow us after I said that.  
I’m sure he got the message.

I silently sobbed on my bunk.  
I’m sure Reon could still hear my sobs.  
“... Hey, I’m going to get dinner, want me to bring you food?” His gruff voice cut-in after a long bout of silence, his bed shifting loudly as he put his book down and hopped off his bed.  
“...I’m not hungry.” I mope.  
“You’ll be hungry later though, so I’ll get you dinner.”  
“Okay.” I sighed.  
I heard the door open and closed. Then the small click of the door locking.  
How do you handle rejection? Especially by someone you're meant to trust? I’m supposed to feel safe around teachers, not fear for my safety.  
Coach is too old to do anything but… why’s it sting so bad?  
Why do I care so much about some old guy’s opinion? This is stupid.  
I’m being stupid.

——

Whenever I could, I avoided Coach Washijo. It felt almost embarrassing to face him.  
I just hope it wouldn’t jeopardize my position on the team at all.  
I mean, I’m a starting setter as a first year.  
I feel like I have a reputation to uphold, with being a starter. Only other first year with me on the court is Ushijima.  
I can’t give my position up.  
***

 **Taichi Kawanishi**  
(Taichi’s POV)  
I put on a binder too small, and clothes way too big for me.  
I rather be caught dead than get thrown in with the girls’ volleyball team.  
It’s just temporary.  
It’s just tryouts, I don’t have to wear this sort of stuff forever.  
I mean-  
I shouldn’t, I know it’s bad but I just-  
It’s only for practices.  
A little chest pain can’t kill me.

By the end of tryouts, it felt like I was dying.  
I couldn’t breathe at all, but I couldn’t leave at random, that wouldn’t look good for me.  
I might pass out.  
My ribs hurt so bad.  
“Are you okay?” A voice said.  
It startled me, and I straightened up. “Yes!”  
He laughed, his piercing eyes seeing right through me. “You don't look okay. You look like you’re gonna pass out, your breathing is real harsh too. Maybe we should take you to the nurse.”  
I shook my head. “No, I’m okay.”  
The pain gets worse though. It feels like I could’ve broken a rib. My throat and chest are on fire.  
“You... really don’t look good.”  
“I’m fine.”  
“Listen to your upperclassman when they speak to you.”  
“...Yes, sir.”  
“Tendou, I’m taking him to the nurse.” He yelled.  
“Alright! I’ll let Coach know!!” Tendou yelled back.  
The ash blonde helped me walk to the nurse.  
One hand on my back, and his other arm stretched out in front of me in case I passed out in either direction.  
I didn’t want to.  
I’ve cheated my way here.  
No one knows I’m not cis and I’m keeping it that way.  
“-I’m Semi, by the way.”  
“Taichi Kawanishi .” I was barely able to get it out.  
I was worried I was letting my voice get lazy, and I think he noticed.  
“I can feel you have an undershirt on. You need to take it off, it’s restricting your breathing.”  
“No, I’m fine.” I pant. “I want to go to my room.”  
My voice rose in pitch, I could hear it now.  
“Taichi, you’re not cis, are you?” He said.  
Fuck.  
Fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck.  
Fuck, he probably knows that my “undershirt” is a binder.  
I didn’t answer.  
“I’m not either, Taichi, I’m non-binary.” He said.  
“Huh?” I choke out.  
“I was born male, but, I know you shouldn’t be wearing chest stuff when working out.” He completely disregarded my shock, but I continued staying silent.  
“I’ll take you to your room, okay? But, please take everything off and promise me you won’t wear that again?”  
“I’m not gonna let people know I’m not a ‘real’ boy.”  
“You are a real boy, Taichi. I could try to get you something safer to wear.”  
“I have a looser binder.”  
“Start wearing that more.”  
I nod tiredly.  
“Can you walk up the stairs?” Semi asked.  
“My dorm is on the first floor.”  
“Number?”  
“14.”

Eventually, we made it to my room.  
“My bag!” I realized.  
“I’ll go get it for you, which is it?” Semi offered.  
“No I can-“  
“Stop,” he said nicely. “Which is it?”  
“It’s a black backpack, has my name on it. My room key is in it.”  
Semi sighed.  
“Sit down right there, I’ll be right back.”  
I obey quietly, too tired to fight.

As quickly as he left, he was back with my bag.  
I looked up at him. “Thank you.”  
“Mhm,” He gave the backpack to me and I pulled out my keys.  
I stood up slowly and let myself in.  
“Thank you, again.” I said.  
“Anytime, take care of yourself more, yeah?”  
I nod.  
***  
**(Taichi’s POV)**  
I put on a binder too small.  
Should I risk it again? This is my first full practice…  
I might pass out again.  
I could get kicked off for “not having any stamina”... could that even happen?  
Semi might yell at me again.  
I don’t like getting yelled at.  
I open my closet drawer and pull out the much better fitting binder.  
I changed into that one instead, then I pull out one of my much baggier shirts.  
I stare at myself in the mirror for a while.  
Flattening down my shirt to see how visible my chest is.  
How visible is my body? Do I have any curves that are showing? Do my legs look weird? Does this outfit make me look weird? Do the other boys normally wear stuff with this much bag to it?

After a while of messing with my clothes in the mirror, I finally have to accept how I look.  
I need to get to practice.

During practice, I constantly poof out my shirt and slouch.  
Which I get scolded for multiple times.  
Our second coach even pulled me aside to fix my posture.  
It felt like he could feel everything.  
Like he would find out and that was the end of it.  
I decided to try to stand up straight, the best I could, to avoid that again.  
***  
(Taichi’s POV)  
I’ve never liked being touched, but he felt different...  
The way he looked at me.  
How he’d smile at me. Everytime I scored a point or we scored one together.  
It felt safe.  
I felt loved?  
It’s not love, but it’s something.  
It’s a crush. I have a crush on him. I like him a lot.  
Not to mention we hang out all the time.  
Just the two of us, together.  
I preferred it like that.  
***  
(Taichi’s POV)  
“Why do you wear nail polish, and just girly stuff in general?” I ask one time, looking down at my own bare nails.  
“Why not?” Semi replied cautiously.  
“I don’t know, it’s weird isn’t it? Why do you want to look like a girl so bad? Doesn’t that defeat the point of being enby?”  
“I don’t want to look like a boy either. I do it cause it’s fun. I don’t care about gender norms, and all that shit, y’know?”  
“Yeah, but people are gonna start seeing you as a girl. That’s weird, isn’t it?”  
“Not a single person has ever seen me as a girl.”  
Must be nice.  
“It doesn’t make any sense to me, it’s weird as hell.” I insist.  
“Ballsy, aren’t you?” They said. “Why do you care that much?”  
“It’s just- you shouldn’t be wanting to look like a girl.”  
“We aren’t the same, Taichi.” Their words were sharp. “I do this sort of shit because it makes me feel comfortable. I get why it would be different for you.”  
“Obviously, why would I want to put on a frilly pink dress and present like I’m a woman? It’s weird.”  
“Liking girly things isn’t weird.”  
“It kinda is, like I said. it defeats the entire purpose-“  
“Stop, I’m not gonna argue with you.” Their mood changed quickly. “I’m not gonna sit here and let you police what I look like.”  
“I wasn’t trying to.”  
“Yeah, sure.” Semi rolled their eyes. “I don’t need the criticism. If you’re so caught up in what I look like, find a damn hobby instead.” They said before slamming the door.  
I tested their patience, and look what happened.  
I guess I shouldn’t care, but I don’t understand why they want to appear feminine.  
It doesn’t make any sense to me.  
They look perfect how they are. Why would they want to change that?  
It’s stupid.  
But I won’t say anymore.  
I don’t like fighting.  
***  
(Taichi’s POV)  
“Shirabu, can I tell you something?” I said, an obvious nervousness in my voice.  
“Yeah, sure.” He smiled.  
He made me feel safe. His smile felt so genuinely warm. He always smiled at me, and I was sure it was ‘cause he liked me back.  
No one has ever smiled at me like that before.  
“I’m.. trans.” I said, trying not to make any anxiety I had known.  
Shirabu immediately looked disgusted. “You’re a tr//ny?”  
“What?” Shock bursts through my chest, spreading to my fingertips.  
“You heard me, you fucking weirdo. I didn’t think my best friend would end up being a f@g.”  
I didn’t feel safe anymore.  
“I don’t know how I didn’t see it before, now I notice how high-pitched your voice is. You really are a girl dressed up like a boy.”  
“Please, don’t tell anyone.”  
“Little girl’s gonna cry?” He mocked, his usual soft expression twisted in disgust and malice.  
“Stop!”  
“The crack in your voice when you get angry is funny.”  
This is why I don’t talk much.  
My throat hurts.  
“But sure, I won’t tell anyone for now.” Shirabu said.  
I didn’t want to, but I had to back away.  
I know better than to fight battles I’m not going to win.

I got back to my dorm.  
I’m not a crier, but fuck did I want to.  
I thought we were close? What happened?  
Why’d my best friend end up being so awful?  
Why?  
Why, why, why, why, why?

Taichi  
‘I’m sorry to bother you but I came out to Shirabu and it turns out he’s transphobic  
I’m not sure what I’m meant to do’  
Semi  
‘Holy shit  
Are you ok ???? Did he hurt you ??’  
Taichi  
‘I’m fine  
I was called a couple slurs though’  
Semi  
‘I’m so sorry  
Listen I’m always here. I want everyone on the team to be comfortable. Please don’t hesitate to message me if something is going on’  
Taichi  
‘Thank you  
Should I tell coach?’  
Semi  
‘NO  
He’s fucking transphobic I came out to him when I was a first year and it went awfully  
You’d probably get kicked off the team’  
Taichi  
‘Oh’  
Semi  
‘I'm so sorry  
I don’t mean to scare you it’s just the unfortunate reality of it’  
Taichi  
‘I understand  
Thank you again’  
Semi  
‘Always, I care about you ok? Never be afraid to ask me for something’  
Taichi  
‘I’ll keep that in mind thank you’  
I put my phone down and fall back on my bed.  
My first crush of high school ended up being a transphobic piece of shit. Great.

I started avoiding Shirabu and most the other first years when I could.  
I found more comfort in the second years.  
Ushijima, Tendou, Ohira, Yamagata, and of course, Semi, all treated me so much nicer, and were extremely accepting once I had the balls to come out.  
Shirabu, of course, broke his promise, and told a good chunk of the first years on the team.  
Tendou assured me he’d get Ushijima on them if they ever tried anything.  
Ushijima was huge. It felt nice to have that beef on my side.  
He was bigger than most of us, he could win a fight against anyone. Not to mention, he’s terrifying on the court.  
That brought me comfort, and knowing he was destined to be the next captain of the team helped.  
***  
**Tsutomu Goshiki**

“Looks like the girls in here again!!”  
A laughter erupted from some of the boys.  
“Can you give it a rest already?? I’ve already been on the team for two damn years and it still bothers you?”  
“Your voice is cracking, Taichi,” Shirabu laughed. “And when are you gonna give the whole ‘I’m a boy’ thing a rest? It’s so obvious you’re a girl.”  
“I’m not a girl!” Taichi’s voice cracked again, and Shirabu and his friends laughed.  
“Enough, all of you.” Tendou barged in on the conversation. “Shut the fuck up and get dressed before I get Wakatoshi-kun over here.”  
Tendou pulled Taichi by his arm, dragging him away from the group of boys.  
“Why were you with them?” Satori asked.  
“I wanted to defend myself.”  
“They’re not worth the fight.”  
Taichi didn’t say anything, he just nodded.  
He knew Tendou was right.

Taichi went into the showers to change, since he wasn’t comfortable with the others seeing him without clothes.

(Goshiki’s POV)  
Am I trans?? How would I even find that out?? I know semi is non-binary but-

“Semi, how did you know you were non-binary!?” I ask, my voice echoing a bit in the room we were in.  
They were surprised, but answered me anyway. “I dunno, I just kinda always knew?? Tsutomu, are you asking me for advice?”  
“No no no!! I was just curious. I, uh, don’t... think I’m trans.” I mumbled that last part.  
“Hmm, well… I know you’re not asking me for this, but, if you wanna know an easy way to tell: Cis people don’t waste time questioning their gender.”

I walked back to my dorm and started questioning myself  
“Cis people don’t waste their time questioning their gender”  
The phrase rang repeatedly in my head.  
I-  
I open the door and went to the bathroom  
I looked at myself in the mirror.  
I’m-  
I’m not cis.  
I’m non-binary.  
I am non-binary.  
I’m gonna vomit.  
I can’t actually be, right? Do I tell someone??  
I- fuck.  
Fuck fuck fuck,  
Semi and Kawanishi deal with so much bullying and I-  
I don’t wanna go through that.  
If I tell someone, would they tell Shirabu and his ugly ass friends???  
Should I tell them???? What do I do what do I do-  
Why am I crying?  
I’m such a fucking baby. It’s not even a big deal. Never see Semi or Taichi makin’ a big deal.

Goshiki  
‘I think I’m trans????? And idk what to do I’m freaking out I’m crying I’m sorry’  
Tendou :)  
‘why did u txt me about this’  
Goshiki  
‘I don’t know :(‘  
Tendou :)  
‘bad reaction to that oops  
im glad u trust me enough to tell me that but idk how to help’  
Goshiki  
‘I know :((‘  
Tendou :)  
‘txt semi about this  
im always here for u but if u need advice on this u go to them yknow’  
Goshiki  
‘I’m not as close to them’  
Tendou :)  
‘want me to tell them’  
Goshiki  
‘Only if it’s not an inconvenience!!!’  
Tendou :)  
‘its not brb’

‘theyre gonna come to ur dorm after they finish hw’  
Goshiki  
‘WHYRE THEY COMING OVER??? THEY DONT NEED TO ITS OK’  
Tendou :)  
‘to late lol  
youll be ok dont worry u know they dont bite lmao’

I didn’t respond, instead I turned off my phone.  
I feel stupid.  
I should’ve kept this to myself.  
Idiot.  
Fucking dumbass.  
The thought of Semi using THEIR time to come to ME because I’m having a crisis makes me even more stressed.  
I wanna be alone- I don’t need a third year to come help me.  
They shouldn’t have to help me with personal stuff.

“Tsutomu, I think you’re looking too much into things.” Semi explained. “I know it’s scary, and I know it’s a lot, but it’s okay. It’s not as bad as you think it is.”  
“But-“ I sobbed.  
“It’s ok.”  
I feel like a fucking idiot, letting myself sob into my upperclassmen’s shoulder like this as they hold me like a fucking baby.  
“I’m here for you. I want to help you be comfortable with your own skin and how to deal with things. Because I care about you.”  
“Am I being annoying?” I sniffle.  
“Not at all, I had to do a similar thing with Taichi when I found out, although he’s not much of a crier, but I wanted him to be comfy and now I’m gonna do the same with you.”  
I don’t deserve this kindness.  
“It’s okay to not be sure about all this. It’s okay to be scared.”  
I didn’t say anything, I just tried to get myself to stop crying, and they just let me.

When I finally calmed down, Semi could talk to me and we could have an actual conversation.  
They made me feel so extremely safe and so extremely loved.  
I felt cared for.  
The third years have that effect on me.  
I tend to cling to them for emotional support, since the second years seem so emotionally distant, and I simply just don’t like the other first years, but they don’t like me.  
It felt like a family. I felt at home with them.  
I didn’t deserve their kindness, yet I got it anyway.  
I felt like a child, but not in a degrading way, in a way that gave me comfort. In a family of friends.

“It’s getting late, Tsutomu. We can talk more in the morning if you need me, but you get some rest. We have morning practice.”  
I nod “Yes, sir.”  
Semi laughed and got up to leave. “”Night.” They said, before closing my door.  
***  
(Goshiki’s POV)  
It’s been at least a month since the mock first year training camp, and it’s seems I’ve got myself into some trouble.  
Someone’s really caught my eye…  
Koganegawa Kanji…  
I’ve known since middle school I was gay, and I’ve never had any personal problems with it.  
But of course, I’ve always had issues with romance.  
I’ve never dated anyone, because I’ve always been too scared to ask in fear of getting hate-crimed, or something.  
Koganegawa feels different, but fuck, I’m so scared.  
I mean… he goes to a different school, so if I did confess we’d never have to talk again after that.  
But then, if he was gay, would he even want to date a trans person?  
I really, really like him though.  
I like him a lot…  
I wanna date him, I wanna be his boyfriend.  
Boyfriend? Partner?  
I prefer boyfriend…  
Am I actually non-binary??? Have I just made it up the entire time?? I’ve been faking it for attention haven’t I?? Fuck.  
But- if I was cis- why would I be so caught up in my gender??  
What am I? Why would I be fine with it?  
Can you do that?  
I think about texting Semi, but I fear annoying them, so I’m keeping it to myself.  
I need to do my own research, I can’t rely on them for my every need and question.  
What the fuck do I even look up for this?

I looked some stuff up and was rephrasing the same thing over a million times when I got a text from Koganegawa.  
Koganegawa  
‘Hey hey!! Want 2 hang out dis wekend :]?????’  
Goshiki  
‘Ahh!! I’d love to!! Have anything in mind?’  
Koganegawa  
‘I wanted 2 go 2 [REDACTED]’  
Goshiki  
‘That sounds super fun!! I’d love to !! :))’  
Koganegawa  
‘Woo!!  
Whatcha doin rn’  
Goshiki  
‘Homework and stuff  
I’ve been needing to take a break tho!!’  
Koganegawa  
‘Yay!! cuz I’m boredddd’

We texted for a good two or three hours.  
I love talking to him.  
He makes me so happy.  
The butterflies I feel when I see his texts. or the anxious feelings I get when we call each other.  
I hope he doesn’t notice the anxiety in my voice, it’s good anxiety.  
I have such a huge crush on him- I can’t believe it.  
The happiness I get from him is so surreal.  
I really like him, he feels like a warm summer day with a nice cold lemonade.  
The way I almost melted when he offered his jacket one time because I was cold.  
It smelt like him, he smells like marshmallows.  
So sweet, and so warm, like a s’mores.  
I guess that’s how he makes me feel?  
I wonder if I make him feel all gooey and mushy, the way he does to me.  
He’s like a fire, and I’m just a dumb stupid marshmallow.  
I wanna be his dumb stupid marshmallow.  
***  
(Goshiki’s POV)  
It’s always my room.  
I sigh.  
“Sorry we didn’t do something like this earlier, Tsutomu.” Semi apologized. “But we’re here now! What’d you wanna know?”  
I thought about it for way too long.  
“How do you cope with the whole... ‘I hate my body’ kinda stuff?” I finally asked.  
“Baggy clothes.” Taichi said.  
“Or just nicer clothes can help! You’ve seen how I dress.”  
“Yeah, and it’s weird.” Taichi snickered.  
Semi smacked the back of his head playfully, then continued. “Presentation is a big part of it for me! When I dress good, I feel good about myself.”  
“My clothes are already pretty baggy, I like my style, it’s just when I’m not all dressed up.”  
“Do you wanna know showering and changing and stuff?” Taichi looked up.  
“Yeah- sorry, is this weird?”  
Semi shook their head.  
“I shower at night, since I don’t like looking at myself. Personally, the dysphoria is fucking awful and anything I can do to avoid seeing myself or having others see myself I’ll do.” Taichi explained “Don’t do what I do though. It’s not healthy.”  
It felt almost illegal hearing his “real” voice. This voice sounds like he’s faking it.  
It just doesn’t match up at all.  
“My dysphoria isn’t as bad, I get more gender euphoria than anything. So I shower whenever and stuff, I don’t care, it’s mostly when I go out and I have to get labeled as a boy is when I’m bothered.”  
“How do you cope with it?” I ask.  
“I don’t? I dunno, I just pretend it’s not real, which is easier said than done.” Semi laughed at themself.  
“I do the same thing.” Taichi said.  
“How bad is it for you?” Semi asked.  
“Not that bad??? I mean- I dunno how to explain it… I just know I’m uncomfy I just- it’s all weird and shit… but also I’m fine with certain stuff?? I dunno I just- sorry this is all so confusing.” I ramble, looking down.  
“It is- but what are you comfy with?” Semi asked.  
“I dunno I guess I don’t hate being labeled a boy, but if I was called one, it would make me uncomfy? And I don’t hate being called ‘he’- though, I realize I still prefer ‘they’ much more. I’ve tried doing research, but I can’t find exactly what I’m looking for.”  
“You’d still be non-binary, as long as you feel some sort of discomfort or disconnection to your birth gender, and shit.” Semi explained to me.  
“Okay.” I nod thoughtfully. “Uh- what about dating, and stuff?” I ask awkwardly.  
“What’d you want to know?” Taichi asked, raising an eyebrow.  
“I dunno- your experiences with it and like, what to do with it, and stuff??”  
“I’ve never dated anyone- I’ve liked tons of people and I’ve shoot my shot, didn’t go anywhere.” Semi said. “But most of those were all just a matter of them not liking me back.”  
“Mm, well, I really liked Shirabu my first year, I came out and I’m sure you know how that went.” Taichi then explained.  
I frown and nod understandingly.  
“Beginning of this year I got with a really nice girl, but when I came out she dumped me.”  
“I’m sorry.” I said.  
“It’s fine. People just don’t like dating trans people.” Taichi said so matter-of-factly.  
Semi sighed like they were annoyed. “Unfortunately, it’s true.”  
“Oh…” I mumbled.  
“-As upsetting as it is.”  
“I see.”  
“Why’d you go so quiet?” Semi asked, squinting at me.  
“It’s just- well… I liked someone, but I should probably give it up, huh?”  
“Depends on who it is.” Semi said.  
“Koganegawa.”  
Semi and Taichi both gave me a confused look.  
“He was the super tall blonde setter, with the black undercut, he goes to Date Tech.”  
“Do you have a picture?” Semi asked.  
I shook my head. “He has a flip phone.”  
“Despite what we just said, I think you should go for it!” They encouraged me.  
“I don’t.”  
Semi elbowed Taichi’s side.  
“‘Cause here’s the thing, he goes to a different school, so if shit falls through you never have to talk again!”  
“I mean yeah but- I don’t want to lose him.”  
“I know, but if he’s transphobic you need to drop him.”  
“I know,” I sigh then continued, “We’re hanging out this weekend, I was thinking of maybe asking him out.”  
“Go for it, Tsu! We’ll be here for you, not to mention the rest of the third years care about you.”  
The encouragement felt nice, I felt hope rekindle in me. “Okay! I will- I-I’ll do it!”  
“Aha!” Semi ruffled my hair. “You got this, we’re rooting for you!”  
***  
(Goshiki’s POV)  
“Goshikiii!!!” Kogane smiled and waved his arms.  
“Hey!” I run up to him.  
“Can we stop and get food? I’m hungryyy.”  
“Oh, I’d love to!”

We talked while we ate, he even offered to let me try some of his food. Which I accepted. He said he didn’t care if we shared utensils or anything.  
That made me blush, for some stupid reason.  
The littlest things make me so excited, even if it’s weird.

After dinner we walked around [REDACTED] like we said we would.  
Kogane eats a lot more than I do, he offered to buy us a snack from the vender  
I didn’t want him spending money on me but he insisted and bought the food.  
Made me feel guilty.  
“I’m gonna pay you back for that!!” I was all flustered.  
“Hehe, okay!!” He teased.

We were nearing the end of our hangout, and I’ve yet to ask him out like I said I would.  
I open my mouth but nothing comes out, Kogane doesn’t seem to notice.  
I keep trying to get it out.  
Okay! This time for sure.  
3...2...1…  
Nothing.  
I could feel the anxiety rising.  
I only had so much time left since we were nearing the subway, there we would end up parting ways for the night.  
My heart pounded in my chest and my mouth felt dry. My legs and arms started shaking as it felt like the blood left them from anticipation and anxiety. I couldn’t thrown up and it felt like I was about to.  
We weren’t far from the trains.  
I stopped walking.  
“Goshiki?” Koganegawa turned around when he noticed I’d stopped.  
He looked confused.  
“Kogane, can I uh- can I say something?” I ask with a shaky voice, tears welling in my eyes.  
He nodded, confused. “For sure!”  
Here goes nothing, I guess.  
“I have like- a massive crush on you, and I wanted to like- date and stuff.” I shook and I had to stop tears from falling.  
There was a huge smile on his face. “I HAVE A MASSIVE CRUSH ON YOU TOO!!! I WANNA DATE!!!” He yelled.  
“YOU DO?????” Every ounce of blood once again drained from my body, but in a good way. In a “I wasn’t expecting that at all” kind of way.  
“We should hold hands!” Kogane suggested.  
“We should!!!” I smiled, the tears could have fallen at any second.  
He grabbed my hand.  
We’re holding hands!!! Holy fuck!!  
He’s my boyfriend???? I have a boyfriend????  
“Is this a date???” He excitedly asked.  
“Mhmmhm!!!” I nod my head a bunch.  
“We’re on a date!! We’re dating!!!”  
“We are!!! We’re dating!! Ahah!”  
I have a boyfriend !!!!!!  
Then reality struck.  
I need to tell him.  
Fuck…  
Fuck.  
“But, uh, I’m not a boy.” The shakiness in my voice worsened.  
“Huh?”  
“I’m not a boy, I-“  
“I’m not really into girls…” Kogane seemed upset and he let go of my hand.  
Tears started falling .  
Was I upset or was I sad?  
“I’M NOT A GIRL!” I yelled. “I- I’m not a girl!! I’m not a boy either!! I’m neither!! I like looking like a boy, but I’m not!! I’m non-binary!” I sobbed.  
“Woah woah-“ He took a step back.  
I fucked everything up.  
“Goshiki, I don’t care.” Koganegawa said.  
“Huh?”  
“I don’t care!!” He smiled, looking relieved. “I don’t like girls, you’re not a girl though!! So it’s fine!!”  
“It is?” I wiped tears away.  
“Mhm!!!” He grabbed my hand, gently this time. “I really, really like you, Goshiki, and I wanna be your boyfriend really, really bad.”  
“I wanna be yours really really bad too.”  
“We’re dating???”  
I nod.  
I hugged him and I cried more.  
He hugged me back so tight.  
“Sorry, I’m not weird right?” I ask.  
He shook his head. “Not at all!!! I couldn’t ever find you weird!!”  
“Really?” I said into his shoulder.  
“Mhm!!! Really!! I think you’re so cool!!”  
“You’re an idiot,” I sobbed gratefully. “My idiot.”

We didn’t want to go home, so we sat on the floor and chatted for at least a few hours.  
It was kind of awkward. We weren’t sure where the other was okay with being touched and what was too much.  
We just held each other’s hand the entire time, it’s what felt most comfortable.  
After a while though, we started falling asleep on each other, and as much as we didn’t want to, we knew we had to go home for the night.  
We hugged tightly before I had to get on my train.  
Kogane’s would come shortly after though.  
We texted the entire time, but it was an incoherent mess.

I got back to my dorm and immediately fell asleep.  
But I fell asleep happy, happy at the thought of my boyfriend and how I have so many people around me who’ve helped me get this far.  
***  
A bonus thing :)

(Semi’s POV)  
“I’m tired.” Taichi said as he laid his head down on my shoulder.  
“Take a nap, you weirdo.” I tease.  
“Mmm...”  
There was a silence, a comforting one though.  
“I... really like you, Semi.”  
“Huh?” I jumped a bit, face heating.  
He nodded, surprisingly calm. “You’ve always been so nice to me, you’ve helped me through so much. It’s weird but, I can’t help but like you and shit.”  
“I’m not sure what to say aha-“ I laugh awkwardly. “I mean- why not? I’m down to mess around and see what happens.”  
“Yeah, I’d like that.”  
I smiled and messed up his hair.  
“Hold my hand.” He said.  
“Heh, alright.” I did what he said, and rested my head on top of his.


End file.
